I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
