Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
