I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize