Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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