The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Never underestimate the power of titties
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
