He asked to "fluff my boner.."
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
