I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Two words: blizzard sex
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
