life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
