look no pants
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
