fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
