well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
