U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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