I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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