I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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