I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I AM VODKA MAN
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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