Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
