dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
