he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
