Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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