Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Randomize
