I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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