Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
