if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
