I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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