she smelled like a LAN party
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
