Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
