I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
