mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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