I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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