Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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