im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
