do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
