No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
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