I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
