Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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