Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
