Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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