i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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