my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
