I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
