i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
