Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
