my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
