OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
