i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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