His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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