I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
