im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
