Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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