I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
