your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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