but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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