It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
porn star boner night. come get it.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
