Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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