Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
