The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize