Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
