She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
