i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
