And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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