I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
