Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Pants are for mortals
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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