how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize