it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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